Col Fitzwilliam and Darcy Have A Talk At Hunsford
by myshlp
Summary: Did Col Fitzwilliam have an honest, man-to-man talk with Darcy? What might have been said? Would the results of that talk change Darcy's direction? Just a one page attempt. Loosely based on some conversations I had when I was in the military.
1. Introduction

Author's notes:

1\. This is my first attempt at fiction of any kind. I conceived and wrote the initial story in one day. I appreciate any constructive criticism, I am doing this to improve my writing.

2\. I've revamped my initial story to clean it up a bit, correct some errors, and added a few small changes I thought of later.

3\. Initially this was a one-shot, stand along bit. My initial ending said this was the end and the readers are free to create whatever ending they preferred. Could follow cannon so Darcy still screwed things up. Darcy and the Colonel could work together for a quicker resolution. Or Darcy and Elizabeth are abducted by aliens.

4\. I was surprised with the response to this quick story and even more surprised with the number of people asking me to expand it into a full story. I've decided to attempt to expand it, but in keeping with item #3 on this list, I feel I need to make 3 options.

 _a. Darcy does it by himself, screws up, then gets turned down. Colonel Fitzwilliam gets involved after the turn down._

 _b. Darcy gets help from the Colonel and things resolve faster_

 _c. Darcy and Elizabeth are abducted by aliens - just a fun ride, I hope. ( **Now going to be stand alone because so different - I'm calling it "I Know What You Are Thinking".)**_

This story is written mostly through conversations between and thoughts of Colonel Fitzwilliam and Darcy, so quite a bit of detail will be left out. Just like in our normal conversations. Except for (c). That one may get weird.

I hope you enjoy my re-imagining of P&P. I don't own any of the characters and Jane Austen would probably hunt me down for imagining her beloved characters this way.


	2. Initial Conversation

"Darcy, what the devil is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? Every time we visit the parsonage, you sit there either staring out a window or staring at Miss Elizabeth. You may not be the most social of beings, but I've never seen you fail in your ability to make polite conversation. I've seen you interacting with people from peerage to peasants, maybe not with ease, but at least doing it. Suddenly we go to the parsonage and you turn into a mute."

In truth, Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam knew his cousin was being rude when they visited the parsonage. Darcy's staring was making the residents, particularly Miss Elizabeth, uncomfortable. Colonel Fitzwilliam was used to turning boys into men. Sometimes it meant teaching them how to act around women. Richard smirked. He never imagined having to teach his cousin. Darcy was old enough to know better.

"What do you mean? I'm not staring at Miss Elizabeth." Darcy knew he was lying, but admitting such a thing was beneath him. He couldn't stop himself from looking at her. She was everything he never knew he wanted, but did know he couldn't have.

From childhood, Darcy had been taught his responsibility to marry to increase the wealth and connections of the Darcy estate he would inherit. Elizabeth's family was too far beneath his, both economically and socially. No wealth to add to the Darcy coffers. No connections to elevate the Darcy name.

No. No matter how bewitching she was, no matter how much she invaded his dreams at night, he could not see any socially acceptable way he could offer for her.

Which lead to his current problem: Talking to her.

What could he say? Beyond the basic banal required topics, anything else he could think of would notify the room of his interest. He had been chased like a prey animal for almost a decade; he knew how their games worked.

Then there were those damned dreams. Those dreams didn't help either, he thought angrily.

Sometimes they were innocent enough – dreams of her laughing and walking with him through the woods of Pemberley, of her as Georgiana's beloved sister and confidant, of her easing his obligations during the London seasons.

Then there were the other dreams – dreams of him undressing her, of bringing her to bed, of her eagerly engaging in their mutual desires.

Blasted dreams made it even harder to come up with trite conversation. Sometimes they were so real. He would wake up feeling empty when he realized it was a pillow he was holding.

How do you come up with something to say in a room full of people when the only words in your mouth are "I need you"?

Colonel Fitzwilliam laughed at him. "Darcy, I've known you too long for you to fool me. Have you forgotten: My JOB is training young men. Those lads have that same look anytime they are in the company with an attractive woman. Or any woman, really."

Richard grinned as he reminisced, "To be honest, I've been known to have that stare a time or three in my younger days as well. Thankfully, with age comes wisdom.

"Over the years and with much practice, I've learned how to hold a conversation with _those thoughts_ going through my mind. It's a skill that has served me well." Richard lifted his glass in a toast, "Knowing how to maintain conversation has helped me meet with much more success in bringing _those thoughts_ to fruition." Richard stared directly into his cousin's eyes. "It is a skill I _highly_ recommend you learn."

"Richard, I have no idea what you are talking about." Darcy put on his indignant face, but he was listening.

The Colonel looked at him. "It's obvious you are undressing the lady anytime you are in the room with her. I would wager other times as well. And probably doing more than undressing her." A wolfish grin spread across his face. "Can't say that I haven't been doing the same thing," his demeanor grew serious as he poked his finger into his cousin's chest, "but I'm not making her feel like she's in Bedlam while I do it."

"WHAT?! I would do no such thing! It is beneath me." Darcy was outraged and lifted his nose in the air. Damn! How did his cousin know that's what he was thinking? Was he really that obvious? Dear God! Was it possible Aunt Catherine knew?!

The full force of what Richard said hit him. "YOU'VE BEEN UNDRESSING HER! AND MORE! The whole time you sit there and babble away about nothing, THAT is what is going through your head?"

The grin on Richard's face grew. It was amusing to watch the emotions play across Darcy's normally stoic face. "Ooooh yeah. And very diverting it is too. The only way I can tolerate being there while Mr. Collins drones on."

Richard immediately regretted his jibe. He wasn't quite sure Darcy wasn't going to have an apoplexy. "Darcy, calm yourself. Have a drink." Richard handed Darcy his brandy.

Darcy's face settled into an expression of wrath. The Colonel knew he had to take charge or it could quickly become violent.

"Miss Elizabeth is appealing enough to attract you - the man the ton has been after for almost 10 years. Being that attractive, do you honestly other men aren't feeling the same thing? We are men, whether we try to suppress it or not. Relax. Women probably do the same thing. I'm sure there are a number of women in London who have pictured you in varying states of undress."

That did the trick. Darcy's expression turned to one of shock and disgust. Then of hope…

"Do you think Miss Elizabeth…"

"No. I promise you Miss Elizabeth is NOT undressing you in her thoughts."

Darcy looked disappointed. Richard could see his mind churning as shock registered on his face. "YOU?!"

"I can only wish! No. She's not undressing either of us. She made it clear she sees me only as a friend. And you? Why would she want to do that to you? You stare at her and make her nervous. She feels like you are looking at her to find fault."

"What!? What fault is there to find in her?"

"Have you told her that? Have you given her any reason to make her think you admire her?"

"No." Darcy's anger left him. He deflated and thought back to the Meryton Assembly. He still felt guilt over it. He knew she heard what he said and he had never apologized. "I can't tell her. It would only raise expectations I can't fill."

Richard had heard enough.

"First: are you sure? Are you sure just being nice to her and treating her with respect is going to raise her expectations? She doesn't seem all that impressed with your status or your wealth.

"Second: Why can't you fill them if you want to? You have money. More than people realize. There are very few dowries, if any, that would make a noticeable difference to the Darcy wealth. Do you really need the connections? Your family is well known and respected throughout the ton. Your family estates date back to William the Conqueror.

"Damn it Darcy, I admit to being jealous of you, but you are a fool. You are one of the few who can marry for felicity, you have found the one that will give you felicity, and here you sit convincing yourself to walk away from that felicity! If you desire her this much while she is uncomfortable with you, can you imagine how much better it would be if she actually enjoyed your company?"

Darcy sipped his brandy while considering what Richard had said. He was the head of the Darcy family, who was there to tell him he couldn't marry Elizabeth? No one. Maybe he could marry her. The thought of her by his side at Pemberley made him smile. The thought of her by his side in bed made his grin larger.

Richard rolled his eyes. "Finally getting your wits about you, I see. Let me give you a bit more advice: Before you do something idiotic and screw everything up, make sure she likes you first."

Darcy stopped. "She doesn't like me? Why?"

Richard sighed. He felt like he was teaching a new officer who was still wet behind the ears. "I told you, you make her feel awkward. You stare at her and she feels like you are staring with disgust."

"But when we were at the piano, I told her I am awkward. She understood. She told me to practice. When we were at Bingley's and she came to take care of her sister, I told her she misunderstood me when she said I hate everyone."

Richard's interest was peaked. "She told you she thinks you hate everyone? And you told her she misunderstood you? In exactly those words?"

"No. But basically that's what I said." Darcy couldn't remember the exact words, but he could remember Elizabeth's eyes sparkling at him in challenge while he was fighting his desire to pick her up and bring her to his chambers. His dreams were messy that night.

"Maybe you should stop assuming she understands what you mean. This isn't a romance novel where people can read each other's thoughts. You think she understands you, but from what she's told me she hears you in a very different way."

"How would you know what she's saying? You are UNDRESSING HER the whole time!" Darcy was irritated with the way the conversation was going. Making sure she understood him was going to be uncomfortable. First thing he needed to do was apologize, something he was not skilled at. Then talk, another thing he wasn't skilled at. This wasn't going to be easy. He was going to have to take the first step. He would rather muck out the stables, but that wasn't going to solve his current problem.

Richard grinned. "Like I said my dear cousin, years of practice. When I finally started to figure it out, it it was like training a dog to do tricks using treats. I was much more likely to get my _treat_ when I did my trick well."

Darcy looked away in disgust. "You are a rake." He paused and looked back. "How do you train yourself?"

Richard laughed. "In your particular case, I would recommend you try Mr. Collin's method of jotting down good ideas when they come to you. Make a list of topics you think she would like to talk about. Memorize it and then pull a couple when you go to the parsonage. One more thing, it may help you if you _relieve the tension_ before you see her."

"The list, I concede, is a good idea. But 'relieve the tension' – are you saying what I _think_ you are saying?"

"Yes. Takes off some of the pressure. Just, while you're taking care of it, don't picture her anywhere near Kent or you will make things even worse. Stick to your townhouse or Pemberley. If you ever get her in one of those places, then you probably already have her under your charms."

"Dear Lord, I cannot believe I'm having this conversation."

"It would be worse to have it with Lady Catherine," Richard joked.

"Yes. Yes it would." Darcy sat back into the chair and lifted his brandy to his lips.

Tomorrow morning he would find her on her morning walk and join her. He would start practicing like she told him to, but he would tell her he was doing what she asked. And he would apologize.

Then he would concentrate all of his efforts on making those dreams of his come true.

* * *

A/N: This was supposed to be a stand alone, one page imagining of some conversation happening between Colonel Fitzwilliam and Darcy during the 11 days between the Easter Dinner at Rosings (the piano conversation) and his proposal. Initially I said readers should end the story how they like: follow canon and Darcy screws things up, Fitzwilliam helps Darcy early on and things resolve faster, or they get abducted by aliens. I was surprised at how many requests I received asking me to turn my bit into a full story.

This bit is my first attempt at writing fiction. I appreciate all constructive criticism and all your comments. For some reason, I am receiving copies of reviews in my email, but I'm not able to see them on FF. I've looked at other stories I'm following and they seem to have the same issue. (ie: It currently shows I have 38 reviews, but when I look at the reviews only 28 actually show up. None have been added since May 9th.) Just know I do appreciate all your thoughts and comments.


	3. Darcy screws up, part 1

_A/N: I'm assuming that initial conversation happened after the piano talk. (Although according to the book, Elizabeth didn't see Darcy until after the conversation at the piano, which happened at the Easter Dinner at Rosings.) So I'm starting this story the next day, when he visits the parsonage on the Monday after Easter. According to the book's timeline, he proposes Thurs of the next week, letter on Friday, leaves on Saturday. Elizabeth leaves 1 week after he does. Let the story being._

* * *

Darcy woke early the next morning. It was going to be a beautiful day. He started on that on that list Richard had told him to make.

What to talk about?

 _Her family's health?_ No, that's what he always asks. He's supposed to ask that!

 _What does she think of the walk around Rosings?_ She's known for being a great walker. Maybe, if he's lucky, she would tell him where she liked to walk. He always found it easier to think when he was physically active. Although he wasn't sure he would be able to think while being physically active with Elizabeth.

Darcy developed the 1,000 mile stare and grinned. Wait! He was thinking about walking. Things to talk about. He needed to keep from being distracted. What else….

 _How does she find Mr. and Mrs. Collins?_ Maybe she would tell him what she thinks of their marriage and talk of what she looks for in a marriage.

 _How is the parsonage?_ That would be a useful one. If there are things that need attending to, he could make sure they were done before he left. She would see how attentive he is.

 _The weather being beautiful, the sun shining like she does when she smiles?_ NO! That would be a disaster. STAY FOCUSED! Besides, talking about the weather, the roads, or family's health were requirements for polite in society.

Darcy looked around his room. What else? His mind was empty. This list wasn't going to be easy. Maybe he should ask Richard for some help? NO! This was his life. He needed to earn the hand of his fair lady on his own, not hanging on the Colonel's coat tails like some young pup.

The sun had fully risen. Darcy needed some nourishment and to get outside. He could always think better outside. He folded his list and put it in his pocket along with a pencil, just in case he came up with any ideas.

Richard was already at the table. "How did you sleep last night?"

"Fine." It was the truth. Last night he had been blessed with the sweet dreams of Elizabeth being a sister to Georgiana. Nothing improper, which should make today easier. "And you?"

"Like a baby. At the breast." Richard closed his eyes and grinned while he took a deep sip of his coffee. "Ahh, yes. And a very fine breast it was."

Darcy rolled his eyes. "Really Richard?" Then he thought back to their conversation of the night before. Darcy scowled. "Is the owner of the dreamed-of-breast currently residing at a parsonage in Kent?"

"While it would be quite fun to torment you: No. The owner of both of these lovely breasts resides on the continent. They made …."

Darcy cut him off. "Enough. I really don't need to hear anymore this morning."

Richard chuckled. "Smart man. What are you doing now?"

"Going for a short walk to clear my head."

"A walk", Richard said suspiciously. "Any particular breasts you are hoping to intercept on this walk?"

"You aren't helping. " Richard's game was frustrating Darcy. He had been lucky enough to have innocent dreams last night and now Richard was trying to sabotage him.

"Fair enough. Are you hoping to meet Miss Elizabeth on your walk?"

"Not yet. I worked on the list, I have a few things I think would be good topics.

"Really?" The Col was excited. "What do you have so far? Let's come up with some more?"

Richard was eager to help his socially inept cousin woo Miss Elizabeth. Richard knew Darcy had been painfully lonely for a long time. He also saw Miss Elizabeth's cheekiness would be perfect balm for Darcy and Georgiana as well. Miss Elizabeth was a witty, energetic, and a genuinely happy person who spread her joy like a fire, giving to others without diminishing her own. She saw the good in people, except Darcy for some reason, but they were going to work on that.

"Richard, I can do this on my own. I'm not a child." Darcy, Master of Pemberly, was accustomed to being in charge. He knew he was sailing into unknown waters trying to win over Elizabeth, but he also felt like this was something he should be able to do on his own.

Warning bells were going off for Richard. "Darc, you don't have a lot of experience in this area. As far as I know, you don't have ANY experience in convincing women who aren't interested in you to become interested in you."

"How am I supposed to get experience? I have women throwing themselves at me every time I'm in society."

Tentatively Richard tried to warn is cousin. "Exactly. It's not a weakness to seek help. This isn't exactly something you want to botch."

Internally Richard was begging Darcy to let him help. Darcy already had Miss Elizabeth not impressed with him. Who knows how much more damage he could do left to himself.

"I feel this is something I should do on my own. If this is the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, I should to at least be able to talk to her." With this, Darcy finished his coffee and went to spend some time outdoors.

"Lord help him," prayed Richard.

~~~%~~~

A couple of hours later, Richard caught Darcy returning to Rosings looking quite pleased. "Darcy, your head so clear now it's empty. Where did you go for so long?"

"Hunsford." Darcy's satisfied smiled portended good tidings.

Richard was impressed. He sat down and rubbed his hands together like when they were boys, plotting a new adventure. "So? Tell me. How did it go?"

"It went well." Darcy was pleased with himself and his visit with Elizabeth. "I went to visit the ladies, but only Elizabeth was there, which surprised me but I soldered on. It wasn't easy at first, but then she talked about Hertfordshire some, I asked her about repairs Aunt Catherine did to the parsonage, she talked about her friend's marriage to Mr. Collins. We didn't argue. Well, there was just a little difference of opinion on what constitutes a long distance for travel, but it was done in good spirit."

Darcy was satisfied with his first effort. He was doing as she asked. Her giving him a private lesson for his first exertion made it easier as well. Not that it was easy, but it wasn't as bad as he was anticipating.

There was that one moment, when he pulled his chair closer and asked her about being settled too near her home, that she could not have expected to always be at Longbourn. She blushed and stumbled in her response. She obviously understood his interest and was flattered by it. His immediately realized he was moving too fast. He wasn't ready to make his intentions known. He still wasn't confident what his intentions were. He was struggling against disobeying his parents.

"That's good news! It must have gone really well if you are using her Christian name already." Richard knew to point out that slip so Darcy wouldn't accidently mess up in front of Lady Catherine or Miss Elizabeth.

Darcy scowled. "We aren't on that intimate of terms." Then he realized his earlier mistake. "Oh. Only MISS Elizabeth was there. Thank you, Richard." He wouldn't make that mistake again. He would have to start calling her MISS Elizabeth in his private thoughts again.

"Darcy, I have to ask you something and I need you to give me an honest answer. What happened with Miss Elizabeth? Everyone else thinks of you as the best of men, why doesn't she?" No matter how well Darcy felt things were going, when he spoke with Miss Elizabeth she didn't seem to care for his cousin.

"I don't know," Darcy lied. He remembered insulting her on their first meeting. He couldn't admit that to his cousin, Darcy was too embarrassed by his shameful behavior. After the assembly, he had done little change her mind. He didn't want to raise her expectations and was only going to be in the area a short time. How was he to know she was going to become the standard by which he would judge all women?

Richard looked skeptical, but let it slide. "Well, if you remember something that may have offended her, please apologize for it. It pains me to see her thinking less of you than you deserve."

~~~%~~~

That first parsonage visit lead to many more over the course of the next ten days. On some either Darcy or Richard went alone, others they went together.

During his visits, Richard did his best to promote Darcy but without making it too obvious. He would tell Miss Elizabeth of Darcy's love and care of his sister and his other extended family, of his great loyalty to his friends, and his compassion for his tenants. He would harass Darcy for being so silent to help show Miss Elizabeth and her friend that Darcy could be more vocal and didn't mind being teased. Richard wasn't sure what had happened between Darcy and Miss Elizabeth. Something must have happened to give her such a low opinion of the man so many others adored, but she always changed the subject before he could ask.

Darcy, on the other hand, quickly learned practicing in a room full of people was more difficult that talking with MISS Elizabeth alone. He kept up his visits to the parsonage, but had a word with the groundskeeper to find her preferred lanes for her morning walks. Accidently meeting her on her walks would allow him more individual practice, which seemed to work better for him.

The first time Darcy "encountered" MISS Elizabeth on her walk, she told him that path was a favorite haunt of hers. Obviously she now welcomed his company. One part of him rejoiced in her volunteering this information. The other part of him was still unsure if he could go through with it. Being near her gave him a sense of completeness, but her circumstances were so far beneath him. And so the war raged on his Darcy's heart: To fulfill his duty or to fulfill his felicity.

At night there were no wars. She was curled next to him in bed.


	4. Darcy screws up, part 2

Thursday morning Richard was returning from his annual tour of the park and went to review his findings with Darcy. The two were doing wrapping up their efforts in preparation of their departure Saturday morning.

"The park is still there. Tell me again why I'm supposed to do a tour of the park every year?"

"So you can claim to have helped." Darcy grinned.

"You are the one with the experience in estate management. We all have our forte - I wear a dashing red jacket and exude charisma. Looking at trees and charming the ladies is all I'm qualified to do here cousin. So have you finished reviewing Rosings for the year? Is the steward's work to your satisfaction?"

Darcy looked sideways at Richard from the ledger. "Rosings is fine. The steward is doing his job well." He chose to ignore the comment about charming the ladies.

"What about our other purpose for coming to – or at least making us stay another week at – Rosings? You know Aunt Catherine thinks you've finally decided to propose to Anne." Richard shuddered. "Anne's a nice girl, but the thought of having to try to beget and heir with her – ick. It would be like doing it with a corpse."

Darcy shuddered at the thought. "Poor Anne. Aunt Catherine seems to have suffocated her. I pity Anne, but that's not a reason to marry her. I don't think Anne's healthy enough to … uhg, I don't even want to contemplate it. Giving in to Aunt Catherine would be miserable. She's bad enough as an aunt, can you imagine marrying into having her as your mother?" Darcy shuddered again.

"I'll keep her as an aunt, thank you! You don't think Anne's healthy enough to what? Reproduce? Ah, yes, the curse of the heir. You must produce one yourself, but without much freedom to choose your mate. The most desirable partners are usually the least desirable.

"A toast! To being a younger son!" Richard raised his glass in mock salute. "Actually, it's even worse being the younger son. Miss Elizabeth and I were discussing the difficulties in being the younger son of an earl just this morning."

"I thought you were touring the park? I didn't realize there were trees inside Hunsford to be examined."

"I was in the park," Richard grinned, "but imagine my happy surprise when I crossed a beauty perusing the garden while on my way back. I hear she's a great walker." He looked at Darcy to gage his response. "I escorted her back to the parsonage."

"While bemoaning your misery at being the younger son of an earl?" Darcy cocked his eyebrow at Richard.

"I just told her we have expensive habits and so need to marry for wealth. Which brings me back to it being worse to be a younger son – if I want to keep up my lifestyle, I have to marry for wealth but I don't have title or property to induce rich parents to approve of a match unless she tends to be disagreeable. I'm happy to just stay single and have fun on the side. Mother isn't as pleased."

"You need a rich wife? I'm sure Bingley's sister would be willing." Darcy smirked.

The Colonel cocked his eyebrow. "She's definitely nice to look at and has a decent figure. Wonder what she would be like behind closed doors?" Richard grinned, he wasn't going to let Darcy one-up him.

"Really?" Darcy questioned wickedly, playing his hand in this game. "I can certainly arrange for her to be in your company more often. I'll let your interest in Caroline slip when I talk to Bingley next time. I'm sure he'll be overjoyed to offload her."

"You will do NO SUCH THING! Dear Lord, can you imagine having to live with her? She is good looking until she opens her mouth." Richard lifted his glass in contemplation. "Maybe she would be okay if you could gag her, but I believe society frowns upon such accessorizing." Score one for Darcy this round.

"Let's speak of more appealing subjects. Have you finished reviewing the other _matters_ you're here for? I can't postpone returning any longer, so you'll be on your own if you stay after Saturday."

Darcy sighed. "I don't know. She seems to understand my interest and we have a pleasant time together." Richard snorted. "What? Maybe I don't speak much at the parsonage, but when we walk together in the mornings we talk. It's easier without other people around."

Richard choked on his drink in surprise. "You've been walking with her in private!? You sly dog! What are you doing on those walks? Ravishing her behind the bushes?" Richard paused for effect. "Did you get to see those breasts?! Yum." The Colonel's eyes were wide in anticipation of a good tale.

"NO! Stop it." Damn Richard. Darcy was still confused and not in the mood for Richard's innuendos. Although, now that he considered it, it would make his decision easier. If he had taken her in to the bushes and followed his desire, the decision would be made for him. Great, he though, I'll probably dream about that tonight. Damn Richard.

"Fine. Tell me what's been happening on these private _walks_ you've been taking Miss Elizabeth on?"

"Nothing really. We just chat about things. Oh, the list idea was a good one. It's helped me come up with topics when the conversation lags. She doesn't seem to have a problem with silences, which is a nice trait in a lady."

"Good, very good." Richard was rubbing his hands together again.

"We're making progress. I'm still not sure about betraying all that's been entrusted to me – including Georgiana. I do feel – content – when I am around her. I'm still uncomfortable, but that's from my indecision."

"News flash dumbass: you only have until tomorrow! After that how would you see her? She's not going to the parties of the ton in London and you have no reason to go to Hertfordshire." Richard saw it was time to bring out the big guns. Jealousy. "You know she's not going to stay unattached for long. She's already had at least one offer. Fortunately for you she turned him down."

Richard knew his cousin well. Darcy's face turned white with anger as his mouth contorted in disgust. "When? Who? How do you know?"

During his battles with what to do, it never occurred to him that some other man would take away his choice. Even though he was jealous of Richard's ability to flirt with her, he knew nothing would happen there. Other men. DAMN! That made the whole thing even more difficult. Darcy liked to be able to take his time with large decisions. His hand was being forced here.

"Mr. Collins told me. He proposed to Miss Elizabeth a couple of days before he proposed to Mrs. Collins. What a charmer! Miss Elizabeth turned him down." Richard snorted. "It sounds like she had to turn him down a few times before he moved on to the current lucky lady. Apparently her mother was extremely upset but her father wouldn't force her. Miss Elizabeth is his favorite, he has her help run the estate with him. Sounds like she's his substitute son. Unfortunately, she is her mother's least favorite child." Richard knew he had to make sure Darcy understood the reality of Miss Elizabeth's situation.

"Mr. Collins was quick to tell me what a poor decision Miss Elizabeth made. Their home is entailed to Mr. Collins. Once her father dies, Collins sounds like he won't be very generous particularly with Aunt Catherine as his advisor. Mrs. Bennet lives in fear of having to live in the hedgerows upon Mr. Bennet's death. Miss Elizabeth won't be able to choose forever. No matter what, she will have to marry or work at some point. If she hadn't had her fathers support in November, her mother would have forced her to marry Collins."

Darcy sunk into his chair and stared into the fire. November. Must have happened right after Bingley's ball. Ugh. He had to decide tonight.

"Darcy, I'm here to support you no matter what you decide, but I do want you to be happy."

"Thanks Richard. I'll see you at tea. Mr. Collins and company will be attending."


	5. Darcy screws up, part 3

"Darcy, what the devil is wrong with you?"

Richard was truly concerned. Darcy was white with rage. It was Ramsgate all over.

"Wickham." Darcy sneered.

Richard was shocked. "What?"

"He turned her against me."

"I knew we should have killed him." Maybe this was still fixable. Once she learned what a charlatan Wickham was, Richard was sure she would understand how she had been mislead. "First, some pan relief. Gin?" Darcy quickly downed a couple of glasses then poured another round.

"Now, start from the beginning. What was that mysterious urgent message that removed you from tea?"

"When Collins said Miss Elizabeth was ill, I took my list I keep in my pocket and gave it to the footman to give back to me. It gave me an out so I could go check on her."

"Crafty. I'll have to remember that one. Then what?"

"I asked her to marry me. She said no."

"Let's back up a bit. You just walked in and asked her to marry you? That's pretty – abrupt."

"No. I asked if she was well. Then she looked at me. Her eyes were all glittery, like she was upset. I was fighting not to hold her to me and tell her all would be well. I knew I had to make a decision right then. There would be no other opportunity. I told her how much I admire and love her. I told her of my struggles to not raise her expectations, of my hesitancy to connect my family to hers, but I had overcome all the aversions and want her to be my wife."

Richard's eyes grew large as he put his hands to his head. "You asked her to marry you while telling her she isn't good enough for you to marry?" He asked incredulously.

Darcy glared at him. "No. I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted her to know my struggles. Why I behaved so oddly."

Richard sighed, maybe they weren't going to be able to fix this tonight. "Then what? You mentioned Wickham. I don't need much of an excuse to run him through – help me out here."

Darcy took a drink. "She took what I said as an insult. She said she never desired my good opinion and didn't want to hurt anyone, but the reasons for my struggles to showing my affections should be enough to console me." He became angry and indignant that she should misunderstand him so. "When I asked why she was rejecting me, she told me the same thing you said. Then she accused me of reducing Wickham to poverty. He must have said something to her in Hertfordshire. In the end she said I was the last man she would consider marrying because she thinks I'm arrogant and conceited and have a selfish distain for others."

Richard realized there was absolutely no way there were going to fix this before they left, but he couldn't allow Darcy to leave without some way of making amends. He wasn't sure how his cousin would react if left to his own devices, but he felt confident it wouldn't be good.

Darcy's angry expression transformed into one of pain. "I don't know how she found out, but she upbraided me for separating Bingley from her sister. She thought it was because of her family, but it wasn't. It was because her sister didn't show any particular affection for Bingley. Her mother was pushing marriage; her sister would not be allowed to refuse. I have to admit, I may have felt more strongly opposed to the match in December after having Miss Bingley stalking me since October." Quietly he told Richard, "Miss Elizabeth implied her sister loved Bingley. I was wrong." Darcy hung his head, slouching in grief and shame.

"Her sister was the woman you separated from Bingley? Why didn't you tell me?" Richard put his hand on Darcy's shoulder. "I told her this morning. I was talking about what a devoted friend you are, trying to show her how she has misjudged you. She did get upset over it, which I thought was an odd response, but now it makes perfect sense. I'm sorry." Darcy scowled up at him, then dropped his head. It was too much.

Richard realized he couldn't leave his cousin to his own devices. Darcy would screw things up even more and end up a wretched old man. Richard started formulating a plan to rescue his cousin from a life of misery. He knew he was going to have to take charge – not something Darcy was going to submit to easily. Thankfully it was what the Colonel did for a living.

"Darcy, I gave you a chance to do this on your own but you botched it." Colonel Fitzwilliam told Darcy firmly. "You will follow my orders from here on out. We will fix this. First – finish your drink and get a second… or fourth, whatever number you are on. You'll need to be comfortably numb to get through this." And a sad drunk Darcy would be easier to manipulate than an moody sober one.

Darcy sat up and obediently drained his glass, filling it again to give him courage to do whatever Richard had in mind.

"We will not leave Kent with affairs in this state. We cannot leave with her believing Wickham's lies or with her believing you feel her beneath you. And you have to explain yourself about her sister and Bingley. Get out the paper and ink."

Darcy objected. "I cannot write a letter to her! That could be scandalous."

Richard rolled his eyes. "You've been alone at the parsonage with her at least twice and made it a habit to walk alone with her. You can be improper when it suits you and right now, IT SUITS YOU. Get writing."

"What do I write?"

"How about something that encourages her to read it."

 _Be not alarmed, madam, ….._

Darcy composed the letter over a few hours. It was painful and it made him angry. Thankfully Darcy had a talent for expressing himself in the written word that evaded him in spoken words.

~~~oooOooo~~~

Darcy hadn't consumed any more liquor after writing the letter. While he was in pain that next morning, at least he wasn't also hung over.

"Rise and shine beautiful" Richard called out as he entered Darcy's chamber. "You have a job to do."

Darcy was already up and dressed for the day. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to go through with this. After what she had said yesterday, he wasn't sure he could face her. He wasn't sure he even wanted to face her.

"No surrendering now. Just do it and get it over with. You can't leave with her believing Wickham. At the very least have some pride man. After you make your delivery, we pay our respects to the parsonage. You may retreat immediately and I'll wait around for her to come ask about it. When she does, I'll talk to her about what it's like to be you and – in a nice way – tell her way you've kept those good parts hidden from her."

"What if I've changed my mind? What if I don't want her? I have women throwing themselves at me all the time. Why should I put such effort in to this one?"

"Why dress in silk rather than wool? Because you know this woman will feel good on you. She won't itch, smell foul, or weigh you down. Bedding the others would be like sleeping on a dirt floor, bedding her will be like sleeping in a fine down bed with satin sheets." Richard grinned as he raised his brows.

"I hate you sometimes, Richard," Darcy glared.

"Fortunately for your case, great hate means great passions. We just need to redirect those passions in Miss Elizabeth. For my own sake, I need to assure there will be someone entertaining the next time I have to come to this God-forsaken place." Richard was not to be deterred. "Tell me again what your mission is."

"I locate her walking this morning. I hand her the letter. I take her into the shrubs and compromise her leaving her no choice but to marry me. Then I carry her off to Pemberly over my shoulder." Darcy smirked. This whole situation seemed insane.

"I like it!" Richard said with sarcastic enthusiasm. "Easy and you end up brining her home like a brood mare you've won at auction. It may not be the prize mare you are looking at now, but you'll still have her. You want me there to witness it? Be aware, once I bear witness, I promise to throttle you for being so stupid."

Darcy frowned. He didn't like the reference to MISS Elizabeth as a brood mare. "What do you mean?

"Darcy, you have to know if you force her to marry, you'll kill her spirit. She won't have given herself willingly so will keep parts of herself from you. You've indicated it's her liveliness that draws you to her. If you want her to freely give all of that vivacity to you, and you're a fool if you don't want that, she has to want you." Richard knew Darcy wanted Miss Elizabeth's fire.

"Let's try again, Darcy. What is your mission?"

Darcy sighed. "I will locate her walking this morning. I will hand her the letter and ask her to read it. I will turn and walk away. I report back to you. We go to the parsonage. I leave and await your return. We regroup and prepare for departure."

"Perfect. Now lets go figure out where she's walking."

~~~oooOooo~~~

"What do you mean you weren't able to talk to her? You were supposed to verify the letter and explain me to her?" The Colonel's plan was failing. Darcy felt like it was over. He lost.

"I'll go for a walk later, maybe I can find her. It doesn't matter anyway. She knows how you feel and knows your side about both Wickham and Bingley. I'm sure she read the letter, if she hadn't she would have come back right away. It will take her a bit of time to come to terms with you as a nice guy but we can't just stay around here and wait for that to happen.

"Right now you have 2 plans to choose from. First, do nothing and you'll probably never see her again. Second, get Bingley back to Hertfordshire and into the arms of his lady love giving you an excuse to see her again. Just make sure you start working on Bingley as soon as we get back. I do have a job to get back to." With that Richard left to pack for their journey the next day.

A/N: I hate the way this was going, I've been trying to revamp it, but have given up for now. I'm going to just post what I have and then work on it later. I think the story feels stilted, so any recommendations to improve it are greatly appreciated. Thanks.


	6. Darcy screws up, part 4

"Darcy, have you sent the note to Bingley yet?" It was their second day back. Time enough for Darcy to get busy if this plan was going to have a chance. Besides, the more time Darcy had to ruminate, the more likely he wouldn't do it.

"It's Sunday. I can't send it today."

"Of course you can. Gives Bingley a chance to make plans to come by tomorrow."

Darcy was stewing. He was still angry about the whole incident. She rejected him. She not only rejected proposal, she whole-heartedly rejected him as a person. She owed him an apology. Why should he debase himself for her?

Oh. Yeah. Because she wouldn't get out of his head. His cousin had left him alone with his thoughts on the carriage ride home. Every thought rounded back to her. He wanted to get drunk, mope around, and feel sorry for himself for a few days, but Richard obviously wasn't going to let him – at least not the mope around part. Darcy would feel sorry for himself if he wanted to, Richard couldn't stop that.

"Fine. Are you going to have to approve this note too?"

"No, I think you can handle a note to Bingley."

Darcy sent it with a footman who, surprisingly, came back with Bingley in tow. "Darcy! Colonel Fitzwilliam. Darcy, it was such a relief to get your note. I needed a reason to get away from that house today. How was your trip?"

Colonel Fitzwilliam wasn't going to give Darcy a chance to stall on what he needed to tell Bingley. Richard needed to keep his battle plans moving, so he answered before Darcy had a chance. "It was the best time I've ever had at Rosings. The parsonage was particularly charming, wouldn't you say Darcy?"

"Yes, charming." Darcy said flatly while scowling at Richard.

Charles looked between the cousins for a few moments. They were obviously having a row. "So will either of you tell me what was so charming or will it remain your private joke?"

Darcy just spit it out. "Miss Elizabeth Bennet was at the parsonage visiting her friend, the former Miss Lucas now Mrs. Collins. Richard here felt like she was a new toy for him to play with."

May as well antagonize Darcy some more, Richard thought with a smirk. "And what a lovely toy she is, so soft and charming. Too bad I didn't get to play more … intimately … with her."

Darcy was ready to choke his damned cousin.

Bingley chose to ignore the animosity. "Miss Elizabeth was there! How was she?"

"She was a welcome distraction from the usual monotony of Rosings." Richard told him. "I believe Miss Elizabeth told Darcy here has a few things he would well to share with you." Richard was pointedly looking at Darcy with a cocked eye.

"What did Miss Elizabeth tell you, Darcy?"

Darcy braced himself. He hadn't planned out how to admit his mistake to his friend. He looked at Bingley, took a deep breath, and just started talking. "Charles, I believe I was mistaken about Miss Bennet. Apparently she does care deeply for you. She is in London now staying with her Aunt and Uncle. She's been here since January. I knew of it but felt it best not to tell you so you could find someone who valued you rather than someone forced to marry you for your fortune. It was wrong of me to not tell you she was in town and I was wrong about her feelings. Please, forgive me."

"Miss Elizabeth told you this?" Bingley asked slowly.

"Yes." Darcy said sadly, knowing to lose Bingley's friendship would leave another hole in his life. The thought overwhelmed him, but it was too late to turn back now. He could only try to fix his mistakes.

Bingley stared out the window for a few minutes. He turned back to Darcy. "How did you get her to tell you something like that? It doesn't seem in her character to betray her favorite sister, particularly to someone she doesn't particularly like."

Darcy briefly closed his eyes in pain. "You know how we tend to … disagree. In one of those moments she let it slip."

Bingley cocked an eyebrow at Darcy, "Must have been quite a disagreement to get that out of her."

"It was," Darcy sighed. "I didn't mean to betray her sister, she meant to berate me."

Bingly could see the agony on Darcy's face. Although irritated, he recognized Darcy had been trying to protect him. Bingley took pity on his friend. "I think I need to arrange to see Miss Bennet. How can I find out where she's at?"

Darcy guiltily looked at his friend. "Miss Bingley should know. I believe they exchanged visits when Miss Bennet first came to town."

"Caroline knew Miss Bennet was in town and called on her without me? That sneak told me she hadn't heard from Jane since she and the Hursts left Netherfield! That evil….." Charles was furious, thankfully at Caroline rather than Darcy. Darcy and Richard could see the resolve form on Bingley's face as he announced: "Caroline will be escorting me tomorrow to visit Miss Bennet."

Richard had watched Darcy's confession and Bingley's acceptance. He hoped Miss Bennet was the forgiving kind and would take Bingley back. As long as they could get Bingley back in company with Miss Bennet, Darcy would have a reason to be in company with Miss Elizabeth.

Richard also saw Bingley as an opportunity to gain more intelligence on how to combat Miss Elizabeth's current perception of Darcy.

"Bingley, you say Miss Elizabeth doesn't particularly care for Darcy here. That's singular. Most people like him. Do you know why she feels that way?" Richard asked.

"Because Darcy insulted her the first time she met him. Something about her not being handsome enough if I remember correctly. That was how it started anyway."

Richard's jaw dropped. "Darcy! Please tell me this isn't true!"

Darcy scowled, "I was in no mood for company. My choice was either go to some assembly or be tortured by Miss Bingley – sorry Charles. So I went. Then all around me I hear the match-making-mamas summing up my fortune. I felt like horse at auction. I only wanted to be left alone, but Bingley insisted I dance with the locals. I didn't realize she wasn't as inane as the rest of them."

Blasted Charles. Darcy was still embarrassed at his behavior that night. He had been particularly foul that night and he knew it. He hadn't thought it would matter, he didn't know anyone there, would only be there a short time, and would never see any of them again. How was he supposed to know one of them would attach herself to him like a tick he couldn't remove? He wondered if said tick was attached to his heart or his testicles. Both, he decided.

"Darcy, you didn't do yourself any favors even after the assembly. At some point after a few encounters with you, Miss Elizabeth decided to treat you with the same scorn she felt you treated her neighbors and family with. I think when she nursed her sister, she delighted in taking opinions contrary to yours as a way to show you she can have as much contempt for you as she felt you had for her. She's a lively one," Charles smiled. "She will never back away from defending those she loves. She's like you in that."

Charles deliberated for a moment. "It's not like you ever talked to her much, Darcy. Jane and I laughed that you were the Eliz-a-beacon. If we ever wanted to find Miss Elizabeth, we would just look for you and see where you were pointing." Both Bingley and Richard smiled at the image. If looks could kill, Darcy's two closest companions would be six feet under.

Darcy was in misery by this point. He lowered his head into his hands and breathed deeply. Bingley was right. It wasn't just not-raising-expectations. He had learned about her by standing close to listen to her conversations with others but never tried to participate in any. He had given her no reason to like him, but many reasons to reinforce the perception that he despised her. She had told him as much at the piano at Netherfield. He had been a fool. He only heard what he wanted to hear – a woman flirting with him. He hadn't understood she felt she was defending herself against his disgust. Darcy groaned into his hands.

"Darcy, are you okay." Bingley asked.

"No. No I'm not. Pardon me gentlemen, I'm going to excuse myself for the evening."

"No. No you are not." Richard blocked his path. "You are going to stay here until we come up with a plan. We need to let Bingley in. He is in a good position to help us out. You've been stabbed through the heart my friend, we can't let you go away to just bleed out. We're going to to fix it.

"Bingley, Darcy here has a tendre for Miss Elizabeth and her impertinent ways. Not that I blame him." Darcy groaned again. This was just not going to end. "As you are well aware, she does not favor our friend here. It appears my cousin has been conducting himself rather poorly in Hertfordshire. Will you help us out? Hopefully we can get happy endings for both of you."

"Anything. Darcy has been a good friend to me over the years, I would like to pay him back. I have yet to see if I'm still welcomed by Jane or her family, but I should know after tomorrow."

Richard's new battle plan was shaping up. "Good. Come by after your visit and let us know what happens. A piece of advice Charles, take your sister in hand. It will make this, and the rest of your life, easier."

"I am. I've put up my younger sister's spoiled behavior for too long now."

"You realize most of town will be going back to their estates for the summer in the next month, will you be returning to your place in Hertfordshire?" Richard asked Charles.

Charles smiled, understanding the implications. "I believe I will. It will be a lovely change from spending summer in town."

Richard grinned as his plans fell into place. "Boys, we may have suffered some defeats in the early battles, but I believe we are well on our way to victory in this war. Cheers!" All glasses were drained.


	7. Darcy screws up, part 5

"Miss Elizabeth and Miss Lucas should be at Gracechurch tomorrow." Charles announced.

Darcy heart sank. Over the past few days he had been able to push her rejection out of his mind while Richard and Charles chattered on about Bingley's visits to Miss Bennet.

Bingley had stopped bringing his sister after the first visit. She just got in the way and he was about to release her dowry to he, but needed to deal with the most important things first.

The first visit did not seem to go well, but Bingley had been brave enough to ask if he could return the next day. Darcy wouldn't have. With Bingley's return visit, Miss Bennet was more willing to speak to him again. She had become more and more open with each subsequent visit.

"How long will they be there?" Richard asked.

"A few days before they go back home. Jane says they are planning a trip to the theater before she goes."

"Jane? I take it your visits to Gracechurch street are going well."

Charles grinned at Richard, "I think so. She's an angel."

"When will we be wishing you joy?"

"I'm going to wait until I'm back in the country, I'll have to be there to ask her father anyway, but not long I think." Charles grinned.

Darcy watched Bingley enviously. Lucky dog was in heaven while he was mired in his own personal hell.

It was time to put in phase two of The Colonel's plans. "Darcy," called Richard, interrupting Darcy's melancholy, "you have just extended an invitation Bingley and his guest for Monday. They are invited here for dinner and then to attend the play in your box at the theater. Bingley, your guests are Miss Bennet, Miss Elizabeth, and their Uncle and Aunt. For God's sake Bingley, don't tell them who your friend is. If you have to tell them, tell them I did it, which, officially, is true. You have to get them to accept the offer when you visit today."

"Do you really think it's a good idea to surprise her?" Darcy asked coldly. "I will NOT have her berate me in my own home."

"She won't." Richard assured him. "She's too proper to behave like that. Besides, I'll be here as a buffer." Darcy winced. Richard was so damned smarmy sometimes. "It will be fine. You won't have to say anything if you don't want to. You'll be well as long as you don't say something stupid."

Darcy rolled his eyes. "Because I'm so good at that." He was still glaring under hooded brows. Monday was going to be miserable.

~~~oooOooo~~~

"I think it went well"

"She didn't run me through."

"She didn't have a sword," Richard noted, jokingly. "She didn't ignore you. We're on our way to cleaning up your mess."

Darcy and Richard were sitting in Darcy's library reviewing the evening and having a drinks.

Richard thought the night had gone better than he expected. Miss Elizabeth was obviously uncomfortable, but Richard saw her sneaking looks at Darcy throughout the evening. She seemed more subdued than normal but conducted herself as a lady should. He decided to change the subject to give Darcy a short respite. "Bingley's Bennet is absolutely stunning. He's a lucky man to have found that one unattached."

"Yes, he is a fortunate man to have won her heart." Although his voice was oozing sarcasm, Darcy was happy for his friend. Now when he saw the two of them together it was obvious even to him jaded eye that the couple were in heaven together. "Bingley's warm and open countenance makes him a desirable partner. You're lucky too, you know. You are charming and funny for the ladies. You may not attract angels, but you don't seem to have any problems finding company when you want it."

"True." Richard took a long sip. "And I'm not looking for angels," Richard smirked with his eyebrows lifted.

Darcy wasn't being pulled out of his gloom. "I, on the other hand, am arrogant, conceited, brooding, and moody. I attract the bloodsuckers and repel the worthy."

Richard could see Darcy descending into one of his abysmal moods. "But you didn't do bad tonight."

Darcy sorted. "Did you see her face when she walked in? I thought she would drop in the entry hall. Her aunt had to hold her up."

"She was swooning." Richard grinned.

"I don't think swooning women turn shades of green." Darcy sneered.

"Just for you," Richard joked. "Look, that's why I sat next to her at dinner. It gave you some separation for you both to regain your equilibrium. She sat near you after dinner. "

Darcy rolled his eyes at his cousin's machinations. Richard had maneuvered it so the only chair left in the room when the men returned was the one by Miss Elizabeth. "That wasn't either of our choice. I had no where else to sit."

"You did a good job talking to her Aunt and Uncle – that whole showing an actual interest in his business and their family. That impressed her."

"How do you know that?"

Richard grinned. "My head wasn't hiding up my butt the whole time. And, lucky you, at the theater I was watching your box instead of the play." Richard took another deep sip. "I'm quite sure I saw her fondling your legs a few times during the first act. Toward the end I saw Miss Elizabeth grab your hand."

Darcy squirmed. Stupid Richard. Made it where he had to sit by Miss Elizabeth in the back row of the box. Bingley sat by his angel, the Gardiner's sat beside one another. The only seat left had been the one next to her. He hadn't known what to do with his arms the whole night. When he sat like he normally would his shoulder brushed against Miss Elizabeth's. He ended up scooting as far away from her as he could, but that turned his knees slightly toward her. It ended up putting his knees close to where her hands were laying. Her hand had brushed against his leg a few times until she planted her hands in her lap the rest of the evening. He had kept his hands laced in his lap, and away from her, most of the evening. Toward the end of the play, he happened to stretch his arm at the same time she lifted her hand resulting in contact. She hadn't actually grabbed his hand, more like brushed against his hand. They were both highly embarrassed with each contact and mumbled apologizes.

"She most certainly didn't fondle or grab me and we were both humiliated by the whole scene. Why did you make me sit beside her? I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

No, the night had not gone well. It could have been worse, she could have turned away and gone home, but it definitely hadn't gone well.

"She seemed uncomfortable the whole evening, but she wasn't disgusted. That's good. She doesn't hate you anymore. She looked at you quite a bit. That's good. She's curious. She must have read your letter. Bingley and Miss Bennet are back in together, she knows you have to be the reason. That's good. She probably believes you about Wickham now. The night went very well, better than I expected."

"I never felt so out of sorts. It was miserable," Darcy slouched. "I'm not doing this again."

"Don't be an idiot. How do you think a good evening would go? With her ending in your bed?"

Darcy smirked, "That wouldn't have been bad."

"She's not that type. Those would be MY type." Good, Darcy was lightening up a bit now. Maybe it was the liquor kicking in. "Keep your eye on the prize – getting her into your bed is what we're working toward.

"I don't care what you think: The night went well. You don't have to do this night again, but you do have to see her again. You have a fortnight to recover and prepare. I need to show my face and take care of a few things at the War Office. Once Bingley's back in Hertfordshire, we go too. You go to clean up your mess. I'll go to talk to Forster about Wickham. Time to get rid of that problem permanently."

Yes, long past time to get rid of Wickham.


	8. Darcy screws up, part 6

"Welcome to Netherfield!" Charles welcomed Richard and Darcy. "I'm so glad to see you both." Bingley was bubbling.

"Are we to wish you joy yet?" Richard smiled.

"How did you know! She accepted me and her father has given his blessings. I'm overjoyed."

"I'm happy for you Charles. You will be a happy man." Darcy shook his hand in congratulations.

"What happened to your hostess?" Richard asked. He was always leery of Miss Bingley, he was safe but Darcy was always in her sights. It was funny to watch Darcy squirm under her attentions.

"My sister is quite ill. She swallowed a bee and it stung her in the throat. Her neck is quite swollen, she has difficulty breathing, a fever, and she can't speak."

"Good God man, should we return to town? We don't want to be in the way." Darcy asked, shocked, but also looking for an easy way out.

"No. No. No need for you to leave." Bingley said quickly. "In fact, I'd wager you'll find the current situation at Netherfield much to your liking." Bingley looked at Richard with a half-grin and a wink. "Jane offered to take care of Caroline in her illness, but Jane can't very well stay without an escort. I asked for Miss Elizabeth to join her sister because she's so experienced at nursing the ill at Netherfield. None of the ladies expect visitors. " Bingley's face was about to break in half his smile was so broad.

Darcy was glad he was already seated. He closed his eyes, exhaled deeply, and put on his protective scowl. This was going to be torture.

Richard, on the other hand, was ecstatic. "Amazing! Bingley, perfect! Darcy, it looks like providence is helping you along." Darcy rolled his eyes.

~~~oooOooo~~~

As their want, Richard and Darcy were chatting in Darcy's quarters before retiring for the evening. This being their 2nd night at Netherfield, Richard knew it was again time to give reticent cousin a shove.

"You're doing great, Darc ol' man. Miss Elizabeth is even choosing to spend time with you rather than Miss Bingley!"

Darcy lolled his eyes toward Richard. "That's not exactly a compliment to me."

"Sure it is. Miss Bingley isn't so bad when she can't talk."

Darcy scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"Be that way. She's interested in you. I can see it in her eyes. She keeps looking at you. You just have to take advantage of it. First thing you have to do is actually speak to her."

"Goody. What do I say?" Darcy changed his voice to one more like Bingley's over-happy one. "Good morning Miss Elizabeth. Am I still the worst man on the earth?"

Richard contemplated. "Sure. That would work. Maybe a little forward, you'll risk scaring her but it would save you from having to deal with small talk."

Again Darcy scoffed.

"Fine. In the morning when we go to eat, say – this will be a tough one for you – 'Good Morning'. If she returns your greeting, which I'm sure she will, ask 'Do you have plans this morning?' If she looks happy, you're golden. If she looks confused, it's probably a good thing – particularly if she tells you she's going to walk or something. It could be an invitation for you to join her. If she looks angry, retreat and we'll regroup."

"Invitation to walk? Are you sure about that? I screwed that up before."

"We screwed a lot of things up before. I have better intelligence now."

"What do you mean, 'better intelligence'?"

"I asked her about you this morning."

"Oh dear God, you didn't really do that did you?" Darcy groaned.

Richard grinned at his agony. Darcy was going to be thanking him in a few weeks. Naming his first little Eliza-Darcy after him, even. "Of course I did. How else was I supposed to find out if she was willing to talk to you."

Darcy looked up and cocked an eyebrow. "What did she say?"

"She's willing to talk to you and doesn't think you are the devil anymore."

"That's encouraging," Darcy said on a flat note.

"It is," Richard said cheerfully, ignoring Darcy's bitterness. "So tomorrow, give her a decent greeting and ask what she's doing for the day. Just basic polite morning conversation. I'll be there too. You'll be safe. I'll help you out."

"Fine. Now get out of my room. I'm sick of looking at your smug face."

~~~oooOooo~~~

"Piss off, Richard. You're a fucking wanker for doing this to me."

"Quit whining, get your stuff on, and just go for a walk. It's not hard. One foot in front of the other. You've been doing it for years. You can even do it do it while deep in your cups, I've seen you."

"I despise you right now. I'll never trust you again." He grabbed his walking gear and stormed out of the room.

This morning Darcy had followed Richard's instructions from last night. He had greeted her and asked about her plans for the day. When she said she was just getting a biscuit to take on her walk and was on her way out the door, Richard said a walk sounded fabulous. He then asked if Darcy could join her. Darcy did his best to kill Richard with his glare. As Darcy was envisioning choking Richard, Miss Elizabeth quietly said she would have no objections as she looked at the floor.

"Just talk to her, my friend. You'll have her wrapped around your finger in no time." Richard whispered to himself.

~~~oooOooo~~~

Later that evening, after Richard returned from visiting the local militia and chatting with Colonel Forster, he and Darcy were chatting in the study while Bingley was entertaining the ladies.

"So, how did your walk go? Sorry I wasn't there to supervise you, but I needed to start dealing with Wiki-sticks."

Darcy glared at Richard. "I can't believe you did that to me."

"Last night I was going to tell you to join her on her walk if she was going on one, but I knew you'd be too craven to actually do it. I just helped you out a bit. Was it really that bad?"

"Yes. We walked a full 30 minutes without saying anything." Darcy glared at him.

Uh, oh. Maybe that hadn't been such a great idea. Richard looked down, contrite. "I'm sorry. I knew it would be awkward at first, but I was certain one of you would finally speak to the other. Did you speak to each other at all?"

"Yes. After a half hour of walking in silence, she told me she was sorry for misjudging me and believing the Wicked-ham. She thanked me for getting Bingley back to her sister."

Richard jumped up in joy. "Really! That's great! What did you do?"

"Took her to my room and stripped her naked." Darcy rolled his eyes. "What do you think? I apologized for being such as ass. For insulting her when I first met her, for my humiliating proposal, and for acting with such 'arrogance, conceit, and selfish distain for others.'"

Richard was delighted! "And…then what happened?"

"We talked for a while. She doesn't really know much about be except '10,000 a year', I don't talk much, and I scowl a lot. I know much more about her because I used to listen in to her conversations."

"You know that's creepy, don't you. I hope you didn't tell her that, it might scare her off."

"I didn't tell her that. Besides, I didn't do it intentionally. Until we were talking today, I didn't realize that's what I had done the last time we were here. I was how I had found out things about her. I'm going to start getting 'better intelligence', as you call it." Darcy smiled at the thought.

"Good job, ol' boy. Going again tomorrow?"

"Yes."

~~~oooOooo~~~

"After three days of talking to Forster and digging around the shops of Meryton, combined with the debts you've collected over the years, Wicked-man now has a one way ticket to Australia. Can you believe he threatened Georgiana again? No sure how exactly it happened, but my walking stick happened to fall on his head. That shut him up. He's leaving next week. I'm escorting him, along with 3 officers little Wikki owes money."

"Good. I think I've more than done what my father requested. This is the only way to make England safe from him."

"You know what that means though?"

"That you leave in a week?"

"Right! Since I can't trust you on your own, you have to have secured Miss Elizabeth before I go."

"I'm not going to rush this to please you."

"Nope. You're going to rush this because you'll screw it up if left on your own." Richard wasn't really sure if Darcy really would screw things up, but given Darcy's propensity to second guess himself, Richard needed to make sure Darcy declared himself before Richard had to leave.

"You need to visit her tonight."

"WHAT! I can't do that! Bingley would kill me!"

"What do you think Bingley's doing every night? I saw him following Miss Bennet into the mistress chambers a couple of times. Early this morning, as I was leaving to arrange things with Wick-prick, I ran into him leaving Miss Bennet's room." Richard laughed remembering the shock on Bingley's face when he turned around into Richard's face. His face turned as red as his hair as he rushed off.

"Really? Bingley?," Darcy asked in shock.

"Do you blame him?"

"He'll compromise her!"

"They're getting married in a couple of weeks. Besides you, who cares? You only care because you want to compromise a Bennet of your own."

"Don't even start. You said if I force her into marriage it would turn her into a brood mare and she wouldn't be fun anymore."

"I've changed my mind. You need to go to her room tonight. Her sister will be busy with Bingley, so she won't surprise you. I'll sacrifice myself for you and keep Miss Bingley busy."

Darcy choked on his own spit. "Excuse me? You'll keep MISS BINGLEY busy? How do you plan on doing that?"

"You really want to know the details?" Richard asked archly. "First, I'm going to lift up her skirt, then I'm going to… nah, just kidding. She'll be asleep by ten from that medicine they give her to recover her voice. I know I'm hoping it doesn't work."

Darcy grinned. "You aren't alone there."

"So, we've established the halls will be empty tonight. Miss Bennet will be busy entertaining Bingley who'll be busy entertaining Miss Bennet. Miss Bingley will be oblivious. I will be in my room reading. You can go where you wish without being observed."

"I'm not doing it."

"Just go around ten or so. Ask if she has a book or something. I think she reading that play from the colonies, La Belle Sauvage. The one about the Pocah…something. The Indian princess married to the tobacco guy – John Rolfe. Ask her if she's finished with it. Ask her thoughts about it."

"You're kidding me. Please tell me you are joking."

"No. I need you bound to her before I leave here. It'd be different if I could trust you not to do something stupid. After you ask her the stuff about that play, ask her if her opinions on marriage have changed. I think they have."

"What are you going to do if I don't?" Darcy crossed his arms in defiance.

"Tomorrow I'll lock you both in the pantry for a few hours. Then neither of you will have a choice but it will be my fault." Richard wasn't sure if he could really pull it off, but it sounded good.

"So you want me stuck with a brood mare?"

"No. She'll be so furious with me, you'll become prince charming."

"Hummmm. Prince charming you say? And you'll be the bad guy. I like it." Darcy grinned and nodded.

Just then, Richard had a wicked thought and changed his plans. He was sure it would work, and if it didn't then he, Richard, would be the bad guy. Nothing brings people together like being mad at someone else.

~~~oooOooo~~~

"Darcy, let's have one more drink before we call it a night."

Darcy looked at Richard suspiciously. "I thought you were ready to call it a night."

"I was, but now that everyone else is gone, I want to toast our resourcefulness in ridding England of the Wick." Richard poured them each a generous glass of gin. "To Wickle-pickle and the new land that will prune his pickle."

"Cheers!," Darcy saluted as they both drained their glasses.

"Whoo. That felt good. Guess it's time to retire for the night." Richard led Darcy out of the room to the guest hall.

They were laughing and ribbing one another when they came to Miss Elizabeth's door. Richard stopped, looked at the door, then looked knowingly at Darcy.

"No way," Darcy fiercely whispered.

Richard shrugged, grabbed Darcy in a vice grip, and knocked on her door. The look of absolute horror on Darcy's face was priceless.

When Miss Elizabeth opened her door and guardedly asked Colonel Fitzwilliam how she could help him, Richard told her Darcy was wondering about the play she was reading, they had some questions, would she do them the favor of letting them look over the play? When she left the door to pick up the book, Richard shoved Darcy into her room and locked the door.

Richard called through the door "Don't yell or bang, you'll call attention to yourselves. I'll be back in a couple of hours. Talk nice."

Richard giggled to himself. "Hah. That'll do it." Too bad he didn't know how much like Mrs. Bennet he was, just more aggressive in his techniques.

~~~oooOooo~~~

Darcy glared as Richard joined him in the hall to get a morning snack.

"Miss Elizabeth is ready to put you on the boat to Australia with Wickham. I've sent a note to my attorney to arrange the ticket." Darcy was still glaring at him.

Richard laughed. "Don't try to give me that Darc. I unlocked the door and slipped the key under it an hour after I locked you in. I watched that door a few hours, but no one came out. I know you weren't fighting, but something kept you so busy you didn't notice. So what happened? Do I wish you joy yet?"

Damn. He didn't realize Richard had been watching the door. "Nothing happened, beyond what you would expect…"

"I expected quite a bit to happen," Richard interrupted with snort.

Darcy rolled his eyes. "That didn't happen." A half-grin slipped across his face. "However, you are now the bad guy in Elizabeth's eyes."

"Well, your eyes spent the night with her in her nightclothes. You can thank me for that too."

Darcy's grin grew. "Yes, thank you."

"So, what did you say? What did you do?"

"A gentleman never divulges things that may compromise a gentlewoman's honor. For instance, being locked in her room." Darcy knew the best way of torturing his cousin would be to not tell him anything. Something Darcy was particularly suited for.

"Oh come on. Did you at least kiss her? Touch her? See her … chest?" Richard raised his eyebrows in anticipation. His fingers were twitching in sympathetic pleasure. "You at least got to see through her nightdress! That must have been worth it."

Nothing. Darcy put on his scowl and refused to tell his cousin anything more.

"That's okay. I know what happened. I can see the marks on your cheeks."

Silence. But a slow grin spread over Darcy's face as he walked to the dining rom.

~~~oooOooo~~~

"You're making a regular thing of those long morning walks with Miss Elizabeth. What do you find to talk about?," Richard teased Darcy.

"Some people don't have to fill their lives with meaningless chatter."

"Uh-huh. Whatever you're filling your lives with, it must be very filling. I haven't seen you smile like that since … ever."

"It's quite pleasant spending time with her." Now it was Darcy's turn to tease his cousin. Payback.

"I saw you walking with her. She wasn't yelling at you. She was bestowing you with some glorious smiles. Does that mean you've figured out how to woo the lovely lady?"

"Why are you spying on me?" Darcy scowled in jest.

Richard gave him a cock-eyed grin. "Just trying to make sure you don't screw things up again. If I could, I'd watch over you until you finally make it to the alter. After that, she'll be stuck with you but you'll have more enjoyable ways to make up with her when you do something stupid."

"Humm, something to consider in the future."

"So, is there a future."

"I think so."

"You THINK?" Richard's jaw dropped.

Only Darcy's eyes showed the joy he held inside. "Her father has to yet be convinced."

"You did it!? Finally! When do you ask her father?" Richard was pumping Darcy's hand in congratulations and joy.

"I'm not sure. She has to leave once I ask. Miss Bingley's health is returning, so I think I'll wait until she goes back home. That gives her some time to change his views on me."

"I knew it would work. HAH! Never send a boy to do a man's job."

"Piss off Richard."

"Planning on a long engagement?"

"No!"


	9. Darcy screws up, epilogue

Epilogue:

Jane and Charles married the week after Jane and Elizabeth returned to Longbourn. They never had a disagreement and were always happy with one another. They ended up with 3 exceedingly handsome boys and 2 very beautiful girls. As we all know, they eventually moved to Derbyshire because Mrs Bennet can drive even angels to distraction.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Darcy and Elizabeth married two weeks after Jane and Charles. Mr. Bennet was not happy to have his favorite move all the way to Derbyshire and considered denying his blessing. Elizabeth told him she would go to Gretna Green if he did. Eventually he reconciled himself once he saw the libraries he could now access.

We all know how Mrs. Bennet was, no need to discuss it here.

Darcy and Elizabeth had their happily ever after, but theirs involved a few heated battle of wills. The battles never lasted. They were resolved in the negotiating bed, which resulted in more than one little Darcy. They ended up with 5 beautiful girls and 10 handsome boys and Pemberly was never again quiet in their lifetime.

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Unfortunately for Miss Bingley, but fortunately for everyone else, her voice never did return. Richard was quick to realize the advantage of a good looking woman of great fortune with her spiteful tongue removed. Miss Bingley was quick to realize the advantage of connecting herself to an earl's family, particularly in her new condition. He married Caroline Bingley before the year was out. They were unable to have children due to a childhood fever and war injuries, but took consolation in becoming the doting Aunt Caroline and Uncle Richard to the children of all their family and friends. They were quite happy.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you for all the comments. I've been enjoying hearing your thoughts throughout! I will be replying to your comments, but I can either reply or type in my spare time. As I love to read updates ASAP, I've been working on the typing part. I hope you understand.**

 **I didn't really care for this ending, particularly the first couple of chapters. I tried to fix it, but it just bogged me down. I'll try to re-write it and be more true to the book. Thank you** **42isIndeedTheAnswer for your detailed critique on my style and grammar. It is very useful and I'll use it to guide me going forward.**

 **As far as the men saying dishonorable things, I've known guys who always behave properly in the presence of women but still talk smack when in locker-room type environments. I know women who do the same thing. It's just a way of bonding and bringing humor into otherwise tense situations. That's the type of situation I've based this on, and I was hoping for some humor. My apologizes for missing the mark.**

 **I'm working on ending 2 now and will be reviewing it with 42isIndeedTheAnswer's advice in mind. I'll start posting it as soon as it's finished. Thank you very much for your support. It's very encouraging for someone staring something new in the last half of their life.**


	10. The Colonel Helps, part 1

Darcy woke early the next morning. It was going to be a beautiful day. He sat at the writing desk in his room and started on that on that list Richard told him to make.

What could he talk about with Miss Elizabeth? Quite a few things, but most of them could betray his growing affection and he wasn't ready for that. So what could he talk about that wouldn't get him in trouble? Nothing.

Just then, Richard barged into his chambers. "Good morning lazy bones! Ah-ha! I see you following the excellent advice of ol' Mr. Collins. What's on your list so far?"

Richard peered over Darcy's shoulder. "It's a blank page" he said flatly.

"I just started. I haven't had a chance to think of anything yet." Then, getting irritated at Richard's pestering, he barked "Just let me get this done."

"Yeah" Richard muttered skeptically while he pulled up a chair. "Let me help you out here, cuz. I think we both know I'm better at this than you are."

Darcy rolled his eyes at Richard. "Of course you're better at this stuff. You aren't being accused of disappointed hopes because you merely greet some woman."

"Wait, I thought you wanted Miss Elizabeth to have hopes. That you weren't planning to disappoint. What happened there?"

"I sobered up."

"Then why go through this effort. Why work so hard to talk to her?"

"It makes me feel good."

"So does yanking yourself, but it doesn't require as much effort."

"I thought you were here to help?" Darcy shook his head.

"I am. We just have to establish the end-goal. I walked in here thinking the end-goal was Miss Elizabeth in your bed with the approval of the church and state. If that's not the case, then we need to approach this in a different way. What is your end goal?"

"I'm not sure." Darcy dropped his head into his hands, sighing.

"Come on, Darcy. I get how much pressure you're under to follow the rules of the ton, but you're the one that has to live it. Look how happy most of the rule-followers are. Aunt Catherine and Uncle Louis come to mind – poor man had to die to get any peace. " Richard shook his head in sympathy with Uncle Louis while sipping his coffee.

Darcy smirked remember how brutally his aunt had badgered her husband. "Poor man was miserable. I refuse to live like that."

"Ol' Uncle Louis didn't know that's what he was getting into until it was too late. God rest his soul. Follow the rules and you end up with Anne – and no heir – or someone like Bingley's sister."

Darcy scowled.

"Exactly," Richard agreed. "The rules get you one of the trained monkeys we've been subjected to all our lives. Or you could bend the rules and end up with a lovely little bed warmer. One you don't have to set up as mistress."

Richard thought about his last statement. "You know, marrying someone you actually want to be with may, over time, compensate for the lack of dowry. Father probably spends a thousand pounds a year on his. Then Mother, who's constantly annoyed at Father, goes out and spends close to that much entertaining herself by shopping and such. Two thousand pounds a year you wouldn't have to spend if you simply enjoy each other's company. That could add up quickly."

"I never looked at it that way," Darcy reflected. "Being raised in the country and accustom to a lower income, she will not demand the finery the women of the ton demand. That could be another thousand a year. By this logic, I would earn three thousand pounds a year just being married to her. In ten years, her dowry would be the size of Georgiana's."

"Exactly."

"But what about her lack of connections. That will hurt Georgiana when she comes out in the next couple of years."

"No it won't. You'll still have all your connections and my parent's won't neglect Georgiana either. " Richard took a contemplative sip of coffee. "Besides, I would be surprised if Miss Elizabeth hasn't won the best of the ton over within two years."

"You think I should offer for Miss Elizabeth?"

"Nope." Richard grinned. "I know you should. You're perpetually gloomy and miserable, Georgiana's on her way to being perpetually gloomy and miserable. God knows the two of you could use a little light in your lives. It's been a hard go for both of you"

The edges of Darcy's mouth turned up slightly while he thought about all Richard said. Miss Elizabeth was like having the sunshine beside you with her cheery smiles and good humor. She would add warmth and joy to his life and to Georgiana's life. That would make up for connections.

Richard sighed. "You're seven and twenty years old," he reminded his cousin. "You've been browsing the women of the ton for almost 10 years and haven't found anything of interest. You know you need to start popping out some heirs pretty soon if you want to ensure the integrity of your family's estate. You need to have the little buggers while you're still young enough to keep up with them if you want to teach them your family history and how to manage the estate. Otherwise you risk having spoiled brats who piss away your legacy."

Darcy grimaced. In the past couple of years, Richard's parents started reminding him of his 'duty' every time they saw him and tried to throw eligible debutants at him any chance they could. Musing on the many marriages of convenience that surrounded him, Darcy wasn't impressed. The spouses only came together to produce an heir, then would often take lovers on the side for their own amusement. Darcy had spent most of his life alone. He didn't want to be alone in marriage as well. He also wanted his wife's children to be his own.

Richard continued. "What are you going to choose? You have someone who makes you happy just across the lane. She's not rich in money or connections, but she's rich in affection, something you and your sister have been sorely lacking in your lifetimes. Her father isn't wealthy, but he's still a gentleman. It's not like she's of the servant class or a tradesman's daughter." Richard looked intently at Darcy.

Darcy sighed. "It's not that easy. What will your father say? What will the rest of the family say?"

"That is easy. Aunt Catherine will say it's 'abominable' and you should marry Anne. Father will be glad you'll finally breed. And I, dear cousin, will be pleased to see you truly happy for once. As for the rest: if they don't want to see you happy, then why do you care? No matter what you do they'll disapprove.

Darcy shook his head. "It's not easy for me to put aside a lifetime of believing I should marry for station, but I don't see how I can live without her. I thought when I left Hertfordshire, I would forget her, but that didn't happen. She's with me everywhere, I can't get away. It's making me miserable."

Richard laughed at Darcy. "You don't want to admit it, but you don't have a choice. You haven't had a choice since you left Hertfordshire. She's become your model for the perfect woman and no other will ever measure up except her. If you don't have her, you will be miserable for the rest of your life. Can you see that?"

"Yes," Darcy answered slowly. For one of the few times in his life, he was listening to his heart instead of his mind. She's witty with a good sense of humor. She didn't take him too seriously and had no fear of teasing him. She was kind of like a female Richard, except softer, kinder, and not so vulgar.

"So you are going to woo her?"

"Yes." Darcy decided.

Richard looked relieved. "Whew, thank goodness. That was easier than I thought it would be. Sometimes you're stubborn as an ass. Now, let's get back to work on that list."


	11. The Colonel Helps, part 2

"First: nature. Write that down – nature. She walks all the time. I'm sure she just uses it as an escape from Collins – who could blame her for that? – so that means she's seen lots of nature. What does she think of Kent, the Garden of England? Any particular flowers she likes? What critters have crossed her path?" Richard paused for Darcy to catch up and realized Darcy was glaring at him. "What are you doing man! Write this stuff down. It's golden."

"Don't you think I should be able to come up with topics on my own?"

"No. You have no experience. When was the last time you tried to woo a woman? It was that cute little maid you were hot for when you were 14, right? The one your father tanned your hide over, right? She was still a girl, so the answer is – NEVER."

Darcy scowled. Of course, Richard was right. After the maid incident, Darcy had avoided all girls (except his sister) until he turned 18 when his father forced him to mingle in society. By that time, the women were stalking him like wolves. He never needed to learn how to entice a woman.

"No" Richard commanded. He could see Darcy trying get rid of him and he wasn't going to let Darcy screw this up. For Georgiana's sake, Richard needed to make this work. "You're not playing the high and mighty 'Master-of-Pemberly' who thinks he should do everything himself. Some things are too important to trust to chance or virgins."

Darcy rolled his eyes, throwing up his hands in exasperation. "I'm not a virgin."

"Whatever you say. You're close enough that I don't trust you not to do something stupid. Let's get back to the list. Nature. Have you written it down yet?"

"Nature. Garden of Kent. Animals seen." Darcy used his excruciatingly slow writing.

Richard grunted in frustration while grabbing a second piece of paper and pen. "You'll take a week to write down the damn list! You'll have to keep 2 pages.

"Ask about her family. How long lived at her home? Her relatives in trade – what do they do? What are they like? By the way, she really likes her Uncle in trade in London and his wife. Ask about them." Richard was scratching out the words quickly as he spoke.

"Ask about her childhood. Did she always walk? Does she climb trees? –She does you know! Sometimes she still climbs trees! She told me.– Tell her about when you fell out of a tree trying to rescue that cat. She'll love that." Richard went on and on.

After half an hour of Richard's lessons, Darcy's head was spinning. Fortunately, they had created two full pages of conversation starters.

"Enough Richard. I don't think my head can hold anymore. I need to get outside and clear my head a bit." Darcy shook his head to clear it a bit.

Richard encouraged him. "You can do this. Just remember, when you talk to her, ask questions. Everyone likes to feel you're interested in them. If you talk about yourself, talk about things from when you were a child. It'll make you seem cute and cuddly. Don't forget to tell her the cat story if you talk about climbing trees." Richard called as Darcy was walking out the door.

~~~oooOooo~~~

"Darcy! That must have been a long walk you took. I thought Aunt Catherine would lose her head there for a while."

"She was looking for me? What did she need?"

"You to marry Anne. Don't worry, I covered for you. I told her you were inspecting the tenants – make sure you can back that up when she asks later. So where were you?"

"Hunsford." Darcy grinned.

Richard was surprised, in a good way. "From your face, I take it was a good visit?" Richard was hopeful, but needed to hear the details.

"I think it went well. Only Miss Elizabeth was home. That was unexpected, but it was a better way to practice, like she asked. No witnesses if I messed up." Richard was amused Darcy didn't consider Miss Elizabeth a witness if he messed up, but let it slide for now.

"Nice. What did you talk about?"

"I asked if she liked Kent. If any flowers or trees had caught her fancy. What animals she had seen on her walks. How old was she when she started rambling on her own. How long she had lived at Longbourn. I did screw up a bit, but I think it just confused her."

"What did you say?" Richard was cautious. Darcy didn't have good sense about this kind of thing. Who was he kidding? Darcy didn't have ANY sense about interacting with people because he never bothered to try.

"I asked that she couldn't have always been at Longbourn. She looked confused."

Richard scrunched his eyebrows. "I'm confused. What does that mean?"

"Just asking if she would be willing to move away from Hertfordshire. Given the right motivation." Darcy was embarrassed. He had gotten excited and moved too fast. He knew it. "I didn't do well there, but that was the only part."

"How did she look while you two were talking?" Richard knew this would be important but reading women was not something he fully trusted Darcy with.

"What do you mean? She looked lovely, as always."

"The look on her face as you spoke to her and the look on her face as she spoke to you. What emotions did her face show?" Richard felt like he was talking to a child.

"I'm not sure. Concern? When I walked in she looked surprised, but I was surprised too. When she asked me about Bingley and Netherfield, she seemed normal. When I started asking her questions, she scrunched her brows together but answered evenly. Except for my slip up, then she looked surprised."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing. I backed away and asked more about her stay in Kent."

"That doesn't sound too bad. We can work with it. We go together next time. I'll let you talk. Ask questions from the list. If you start to lapse into silence, I'll tell stories about you to show your good side." Richard wanted to be there the next time to make sure there wasn't something Darcy was missing.

~~~oooOooo~~~

After the men visited the parsonage the next day, Tuesday, Richard knew he and Darcy needed to have private discussion to review all that happened between Darcy and Miss Elizabeth in Hertfordshire. From Richard's discussion with the lady, Darcy had left out some important details and Miss Elizabeth was too proper to elaborate.

"Darcy, what happened between you and Miss Elizabeth in Hertfordshire?"

Darcy thought for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"It seems like something must have happened. Something that made her dislike you. I wager it's something you said or did to her or to her family the first time you met her. Anything come to mind?"

From talking with Miss Elizabeth that morning, she seemed determined to not like Darcy. She had been confused about Darcy asking her questions. She felt he was taunting her and using her answers against her. It didn't make sense to Richard … unless Darcy had done something to offend her.

Guilt washed across Darcy's face as he remembered the Meryton Assembly.

"What did you do?" Richard demanded.

"I had just arrived at Netherfield that afternoon. Bingley invited me to a public assembly happening that night. My choice was either go to the assembly or be 'entertained' by Miss Bingley all evening. I went. It was awful. I could hear the mothers sizing me up for their daughters. I just tried to find a dark corner to hide in until we could leave. Bingley was being Bingley. He wanted me to dance with the locals, as if it wasn't bad enough having to stand up with his sisters. He was dancing with Miss Elizabeth's sister - his angel - and offered to have her introduce me to Miss Elizabeth. I looked at her and said she was tolerable but not enough to tempt me and I wasn't going to humor women rejected by other men." Darcy looked at the floor. He knew he had been rude. He knew she heard him. "But," he offered in his defense, "She immediately went to her friend, now Mrs. Collins, and started laughing with her. I thought maybe it didn't bother her."

Richard whistled. "Darcy, man. That's bad. I can't believe you said that." Richard paused. "Scratch that. I can believe it." Richard leaned back in his chair to think.

Darcy needed to apologize, but she needed to accept it. How to make that happen?

Richard looked pointedly at Darcy, "I'm going to Hunsford alone tomorrow. Don't do anything involving her until I'm finished."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to talk to her about what a great guy you are. How you rescued the child from the frozen pond a couple of winter's ago. How well you take care of your family and friends – like how you rescued Bingley form the frigid fortune hunter!"

Darcy leapt from his chair, grabbing Richard's shoulders, his face white with shock. "DON'T DO THAT!"

"Why not? It shows her both what a loyal friend you are and the type of women you're used to dealing with."

Darcy collapsed back into his seat. "Because it's her sister."

"Excuse me?" Richard wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.

"It's her older sister! Damn it! Don't say anything about Bingley!"

"Let me get this straight – her older sister was the angel Bingley was dancing with when he tried to get you to dance?"

"Yes," Darcy responded flatly.

Richard looked at the ceiling and again leaned his head back against his chair. "Does it not strike you as, oh shall we say – hypocritical – for you to separate Bingley from his Bennet while you chase yours?" _Wow_ , Richard thought, _When Darcy screws up, he goes all the way._

Darcy defended himself. "It's not like that. Her sister didn't show any signs she particularly cared for Bingley. Her mother was shamelessly promoting the match, forcing the woman to accept him even if she didn't feel anything for him."

"Kind of like how you showed signs of particular affection for Miss Elizabeth? It sounds like that should have been Bingley and Miss Bennet's choice to make. Maybe the woman is shy and only let Bingley know how she felt! You should be able to relate to that." _Oh_ , Darcy, Richard thought. _How tangled is this knot?_

Darcy glared. "I don't think so."

"Oh, I forgot, you're the expert on reading people." Richard said sarcastically. "Suppose this works and you end up winning your fair maiden. What do you plan to tell Bingley? From what you said on the way over, he still cares for the woman."

"I hadn't thought that far out." Darcy admitted and grimaced. "I didn't anticipate spending time with Miss Bennet when I came here. I planned to avoid her."

"How'd that work out for 'ya?"

"Piss off, Richard."

"So," Richard up a finger, "one: you insulted her. Two:," he put up another finger, "you split up her sister and Bingley. Anything else we need to deal with here? And be up front with me. We have a lot to work on, but it's better to know everything from the start."

"Wickham was flirting with her shortly before I left."

"Wickham?!" Richard was shocked. "Why haven't we killed him yet?"

 _And three: Wickham's tales of evil Darcy_ , Richard thought. _At least we know what we're up against._

"Darcy, work on the estate tomorrow. Preferably inside or somewhere you will not run into Miss Elizabeth. This's going to take some delicate work.

"Tomorrow I'll visit Hunsford alone. I'll talk to Miss Elizabeth and I'll also work on Mrs. Collins. Miss Elizabeth trusts Mrs. Collins, so it's important for her to feel good about you.

"I'll keep the conversation on your good traits, but I'm going to bring up Wickham. It will give me an opportunity to tell her about the things he's done. I won't mention Georgiana. I won't have to. He has at least a few illegitimate children, he walks out on his debts, and has plenty of gambling debts. Those will be enough to get Miss Elizabeth to be skeptical of anything Wickham said.

"I'll tell her how you are when you are around people you don't know. I'll tell her you told me about that assembly and how awful you feel about what happened." Riichard poked his finger into Darcy's chest. "It doesn't preclude you from having to apologize, but at least it lets her know you regret it." Richard dropped his hand and looked sympathetically at Darcy. "You stay out of the way tomorrow."

Darcy raked his hands through his hair. "I've made a mess." This was completely out of his league. Thankfully Richard was there to help him. "Thank you Richard. You were right, I could not do this alone."

Richard smirked. "Usually I'm bored out of my skull at Rosings. This is the most interesting visit I've ever had." Deciding to lighten thing up a bit, "On the plus side, since you won't be seeing her tomorrow, you have free reign to unleash all your fantasies your phantasm of Miss Elizabeth tonight. No need to try to be a good boy."

Darcy gave a half grin and took off for his room.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you 42IsInddedTheAnswer and HarnGin. I've fixed the spelling of "Rosings" (was originally "Rosigns") and changed my typo "tails" to the correct "tales". I appreciate your letting me know. If you ever find me with my zipper is down or lettuce in my teeth, please tell me.**

 **Thank you also to Nobody - I've put the numbers in instead of trying that whole "eight and ten" which was apparently wrong.**


	12. The Colonel Helps, part 3

After Richard visited the parsonage on Wednesday he found Darcy reviewing the Rosings books. Darcy was anxious to find out what happened during Richard's visit.

"How did it go?" Darcy asked nervously. He really hoped Richard worked his magic.

"It went well. I told the ladies I heard Wickham was in the militia in Hertfordshire. That got their attention. I told them about a few of the women we know of that he brought to shame and how you helped the women and children. I told them about him leaving merchants holding his debts that you ended up buying so the merchants could support their families. Then I just let them know about his general licentious habits. Mrs. Collins will be writing her mother tonight to make sure her little sister is kept away from the beast. Miss Elizabeth asked about the living in Klympton. She was perturbed when I told her you reimbursed him for it, apparently Wickham had been working her sympathies saying you denied it to him. Do you think he knows how you feel about her?"

"Maybe. I'm obviously not as discreet as I thought I was." Darcy thought for a few minutes. "We'll have to watch out for him. I wouldn't put it past him to use her to extort money from me." Darcy would have to do something permanent about Wickham when this trip was complete. That blackguard was leaving a trail of destruction across England and dragging the Darcy name in the mud behind him. It was time for Darcy to stop him.

Richard thought a few moments. "I'll meet with Forester when we leave Kent. Wickham's debts alone should get him to Australia or debtors prison. I don't want him to take revenge on her or hurt her to get money from you."

Darcy was relieved Richard had managed dispel Wickham's lies. When he danced with Miss Elizabeth at Bingley's ball, he knew Wickham had been telling her lies. It was part of his reason for leaving Hertfordshire.

Richard continued. "Later I was able to bring up your extreme discomfort around people you don't know well." Richard grinned. "I told her it would be a charitable act for her to talk to you and help you work on it. After all, she was the one who recommended it. That really surprised her!" Richard was extremely satisfied with his visit. "You now have my permission to talk to her again."

Darcy smiled. He had felt like he had messed upFor the first time he felt hopeful. "Thank you Richard. I don't know how you do it, but you are awe inspiring."

"Years of practice."

~~~oooOooo~~~

"Darcy, where have you been? I went to visit the parsonage this morning, but it was just the Collins' and Miss Lucas. Miss Elizabeth was out walking and you never showed up."

Darcy lifted his brow. "I found a walk with quite a lovely prospect."

Richard chortled. "Did you? How did you find our where she was?"

"Groundskeeper. He told me where he finds her most often."

"So… what happened?"

Darcy smiled. "We walked, we talked. Nothing much. It was much easier without Mr. and Mrs. Collins watching my every move."

"Don't worry about Mrs. Collins. She's been helping you out. She told me today she suggested to Miss Elizabeth that maybe you are shy, like her sister. Ha, I think she forgot that I suggested the same thing to her a few days ago. Mr. Collins is a wealth of information once you get him going. He said Hunsford has declared you the 'greatest of men' for rescuing all those hurt by Wickham."

"Thanks for telling them that stuff. I would feel like I was just bragging about stuff I'm supposed to do. It made talking with Miss Elizabeth much easier this morning. She was willing to see me as being confused and misguided but with good intent."

"Did you apologize for being an ass?"

"Yes. She accepted," Darcy answered the question on Richard's face. "She apologized to me for believing Wickham."

"Did you demand reparations?" Richard joked while puckering his lips and mock kiss the air.

"I didn't. You said I needed to make sure she actually likes me before I scare her away."

"If she doesn't adore you already, she's getting close. Mrs. Collins asked me today about your intentions because she didn't want to see her friend get hurt. I didn't have a chance to answer before wise ol' Mr. Collins," Richard rolled his eyes, voice dripping in sarcasm, "jumped in to make sure his wife understands you are promised to Anne. That man is a slug."

"Maybe tomorrow I'll ask her if she would be interested in moving away from Hertfordshire."

Richard was impressed. "Good approach. Have to say, I'm surprised to hear it coming from you, but it introduces the subject without being too pushy. Also has enough ambiguity for you to prevaricate if she seems to be upset by it. Brilliant."

"If she says she's willing to move to Derbyshire, we have to get her away from Aunt Catherine as soon as possible. I'll have to get her to write her aunt and uncle in London first thing to ask if she can arrive early. We'll leave on Monday after the morning meal. If she can't stay with her aunt and uncles, then we'll drop you off and go directly to Hertfordshire Monday."

"I hope she says yes. You know how I hate this God-forsaken place."

"I'm doing my best to get you out of here."

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

Darcy stormed into Richard's chambers on Saturday afternoon. "Richard, get your stuff ready. We're leaving Monday." Richard had never seen Darcy with a grin like that.

"She said yes?!"

Darcy grinned. "Yes."

"Are you sure we can't just leave tomorrow?"

"It's Sunday. We aren't supposed to travel on Sunday."

"It's not travelling. It's escaping being held hostage by Aunt Catherine. In war it's perfectly acceptable."

Darcy grinned again. "If Aunt Catherine turns this into a war, then fine. We leave tomorrow. But I'm not saying anything to either her or Anne until Monday morning, so it shouldn't be a problem."

Richard threw his hands up in mock despair. "A man can hope." He then grinned his goofiest at Darcy. "How did Miss Elizabeth react?"

"She was surprised. She didn't say anything for a few minutes, I was getting nervous. She's not usually speechless. After a few minutes she smiled at me and said she would like very much to see to Derbyshire."

"Wait. Did you actually ask her to marry you, or just ask her to visit to Derbyshire? Seeing as you're the prince of misunderstanding her, You. Need. To. Make. Sure. You. Speak. Plain-ly."

"You really think I'm that much of an idiot?"

"I know you are that much of an idiot. So did you actually ask?"

"Yes. After she said she would like to see Derbyshire, I took it as a permission to move forward. I told her how much I admire and love her. I told her I have been drawn to her since first meeting her, no matter what my stupid mouth said. I told her how I've always struggled being around people I don't know well. I told her I had to put on my unaffected face around her because my reactions to her confused me much of the time. I admitted that my internal struggle about what I should do made my behavior worse. Until coming to Kent, when I finally realized I would never know happiness unless she were by my side. I asked if she would forgive me for being such a fool, accept my hand in marriage, and grant me a life of joy," Darcy dramatically put his hand over his heart, grinning like a fool at the end.

"Wow. Good job Darcy!" Richard nodded his head impressively and shook his cousin's hand in joy. "Now what?"

"She's writing a letter to her aunt and uncle, I'll get it from her in about an hour and send it express. I have a note to Georgiana I'll send with hers. She's also going to ask Mrs. Collins if Miss Lucas can ride back with us or I'll need to get someone from Aunt Catherine's to ride with us. No matter, we go to London on Monday."

"Aunt Catherine is going to have an apoplexy when you tell her. I don't want to be next to you, but I do want to be in the room to see it! I wonder if her head will actually explode."

Darcy grimaced. "I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but I'll make it clear if she does anything to harm Elizabeth or my relationship with Elizabeth I'll immediately sever all ties."

Richard patted Darcy on the shoulder. "I'll make sure she knows I'll be recommending Miss Elizabeth to Mother and Father as soon as I get back to London. That should help give her pause."

"Thank you, Richard." Darcy smirked, "Maybe she reset her sights for Anne on to you. You are the son of an Earl."

Richard gagged and changed the subject. "So, back to Miss Elizabeth. If she stays with her aunt and uncle, how long will she be in London?"

Darcy laughed. "A little over a week. It will give me a chance to introduce her to Georgiana."

"It also gives you time to bring Bingley over to see her sister. From what Miss Elizabeth told me, it sounds like her sister really cares for Bingley."

Darcy paled. "I forgot about that. I'll send a note to Bingley today, letting him know Miss Bennet is in town and I'll be back on Monday. I'll ask if he wishes to visit the Bennets with me on Tuesday. I'll tell him the rest after he sees her. I'll have to tell Elizabeth too. Maybe I'll wait until we are on our way to London, then you'll be there to rescue me if I need it," Darcy laughed.

Richard raised an eyebrow. "It's time for you to figure it out for yourself. You're the one who is going to live with her." Richard laughed, thinking of the best way for his moody cousin to keep himself out of a morass from being an ass. "I think you need to write into your marriage contract that there won't be a bed in the mistress' chambers - she'll have to sleep in the bed with you every night. Then when you do something stupid, neither of you can run and hide and make things worse."

A wolfish grin spread over Darcy's face. "I'm fine with that, but I'm not sure how her father would react to it being written into the marriage contract."

"Maybe he'll be happy his daughter is marrying a man who values her," Richard shrugged.

Darcy laughed. "We'll just have to see."


	13. The Colonel Helps, part 4

"What a day." Darcy sighed and re-filled both Richard and his bourbon glasses. He had told Aunt Catherine about his engagement to Elizabeth that morning, as planned, then picked up Elizabeth, Miss Lucas, and their luggage from the parsonage, and left for London.

"Lady Catherine's response was the stuff of legends! That first look of utter confusion, then shock, then rage." Richard howled with laughter and slapped his knee. "I've never seen anyone turn that shade of purple! I have to give her credit though, she did a good job keeping up with the carriage and yelling at you as we went to pick up Miss Elizabeth. The old bat has some stamina in her."

Darcy briefly chucked, but quickly grew more serious, "I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to sever all ties with her. I knew she would be mad, but I can't believe some of the things she was accusing Elizabeth of. Glad you were there, I was concerned for Elizabeth's safety while we were leaving. And Collins just made everything worse."

"Give her a bit of time. She might come around. I'll go to back to my parent's tomorrow afternoon. You may want to have a letter for me to deliver. I'll make sure they see the advantages of you aligning yourself with Miss Elizabeth."

"Thank you. Bingley and I go tomorrow to visit the ladies on Gracechurch. I'll talk to her uncle tomorrow and then, at some point, I have to go ask her father. Apparently that won't be easy since, we now know, he doesn't have much respect for me." Darcy sighed at what Elizabeth alluded to and Miss Lucas out right confirmed to him on the way to London.

"What is Bingley going to do?"

"Try to court Miss Bennet, if I'm not mistaken." Richard's face obviously showed that wasn't what he was asking. "Wait, what do you mean?" Darcy asked confused.

"For the summer. Most people go to their estates for the summer. Is Bingley?"

Darcy grinned, quickly following Richard's train of thought. "I'll have to ask. Maybe you could suggest it."

Richard looked up thoughtfully. "Miss Elizabeth does have four sisters. Even with you and Bingley each taking one, that still leaves three for me choose from." He nodded in jest to Darcy.

Darcy rolled his eyes. "You realize none of them have dowries, right?"

"It might be worth it," Richard joked. "I'm looking forward to seeing for myself." Growing serious again, "If Bingley goes back to Hertfordshire, do you think he'll let me stay with him for a bit? I have to spend the next couple of weeks in the War Office, but then I'm planning on going to Meryton to talk to Forster. Time to get rid of our little friend before he causes any more trouble."

"I hold a number of his debts I've collected through the years. They total about ten thousand pounds. I'll give them to you if it will help. Are you thinking India? Australia?"

"I'm thinking the noose, but sure India, Africa, or Australia will also work. Anything that keeps him out of Europe."

"Indeed."

~~~ooOOOooo~~~

The next evening, Bingley joined Richard and Darcy at Darcy's place. Bingley had been deliriously happy to see Jane Bennet again, particularly when Darcy shared Elizabeth's revelations. After leaving the Gardiners', Darcy confessed he had kept Miss Bennet's stay in London from him to protect him. Because Miss Bennet had quickly warmed up to him during their visit, Bingley quickly forgave Darcy with only a mild reprisal. Bingley ended up inviting himself to Darcy's for the evening, as much to get away from Caroline and Louisa as to discuss the day's events.

"Darcy, I can't believe you would actually work with Caroline to keep me away from Ja – Miss Bennet. I'm sure Caroline took it as being your declaration for her!" Bingley contemplated, "She's going to be furious when she finds out you're engaged to Miss Elizabeth. I don't want to be around for that." Darcy cringed at the thought of what her reaction might be.

Richard wondered how Carline finding out would work. "So how will she find out if you don't tell her, Bingley? Does she read the paper or will one of her gossipy friends tell her?"

Bingley grimaced and sighed. "I won't want to, but I'll have to tell her. I can't let her find out any other way, who knows what she'll do!" Bingley laughed, "Maybe I'll just throw the announcement from the paper at her as I'm walking out the door."

"Do you think Mr. Bennet will give you permission?" Bingley asked. "I understood her family didn't care for you after your petulant insults about Miss Elizabeth at that assembly."

Darcy rolled his eyes. Would he never live down that moment of stupidity? "If he doesn't, I'll kidnap her and bring her to Scotland." He took a long sip of brandy. "Which is starting to sound more and more appealing."

Bingley laughed. "She won't let you do it. She'll want her sisters with her, especially Jane."

Richard chimed up. "While we're speaking of Bennets: Bingley, what are you planning on doing for the summer now that you have an estate to escape from town to?"

Bingley started. "I hadn't thought about it," as a slow smile creeped across his face, "but I believe returning to Netherfield sounds like a fabulous way to spend the summer. I'll send word tomorrow to open the house. I won't be brining my sisters as they have clearly expressed their preference for town."

"When do you think you'll be going?" Richard asked. "In a fortnight, I have some business with the militia stationed in Meryton. If you are going to have your place open, I was hoping you would give me the privilege of staying with you while I'm there."

"It would be my honor. I believe the timing works perfectly. The Bennets leave London a week from tomorrow, correct?" Darcy nodded at Bingley. "Then I believe there is no place I would rather be than Netherfield in this summer. I'll have a room prepared for you Richard. Darcy, will you need one as well?"

"Yes, please." Darcy was relieved Bingley's sisters wouldn't accompany their party. "How did things go with Miss Bennet this morning?"

"At first she wouldn't say much to me, but after I let her know Caroline hadn't told me she was in town – I didn't mention you Darcy – Jane was shocked and started to speak more. By the time we left, she told me she would be looking forward to our next visit. Tomorrow, right Darcy?"

Darcy smiled. "Right."

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

For the next week, Darcy and Bingley spent all of their free time at the Gardiners, forming both a strong friendship and useful business connection. Darcy also used the time to introduce Georgiana to Elizabeth. He was happy to see how well they got along with one another. All too quickly, the Bennets returned home as the gentlemen prepared to remove to Hertfordshire.

"Bingley and I are leaving for Netherfield tomorrow. Are you coming with us or will you be staying in town longer?"

"I'll come along. I have that meeting with Forster. What do you recommend for Wickie? Debtors prison? Transport? Re-assignment to an actively deployed battalion?"

"Actively deployment means he might end up back in England."

"Assuming he doesn't get killed."

"I don't want his death on my conscience. Transport seems like the best way to go. As long as it's a one-way ticket."

"I was still hoping to watch him hang, but transport it is."

Both men reflected on how much of a relief it would be to finally be free of Wickham.

"So after tomorrow, you'll officially be off the market. Are you ready?"

Darcy's face relaxed and a half-smile graced his lips. "Yes. Very much so."

"Have you thought about what you're going to say to Mr. Bennet?"

"I have. Hopefully he won't be too difficult. I'll have the contract with me."

Richard cocked his head sideways in curiosity. "Do you honestly think he would refuse you?"

Darcy reflected. "I'm not sure. According to Elizabeth and the Gardnier's, he has a quirky sense of humor. The Gardiner's also say Elizabeth is his favorite. She helps him manage Longbourn and he may not want to give her up unless he absolutely has to."

"Did you put the bed thing in the contract?"*

A sly half-grin spread to Darcy's face. "I'm hoping the shock of seeing that in there throws him off a bit."

Richard just snorted.

 _*A/N: I don't know if this is really something that could or would be done, but the thought of it amused me._

~~~oooOOOooo~~~

"What's the status on Wickham?" Darcy asked Richard as they lounged in the Netherfield library.

"Jamaica. He can guard the sugar cane. Forster has a friend named Mason who can use some help on his plantation."

"Maybe he can learn to be a good steward like his father was," Darcy hoped.

"Maybe." Richard paused as they changed the subject. "So did Mr. Bennet give you any trouble?"

"At first he asked if I was really understood what I was getting into. I assured him I did. Then he started looking over the contract. At first he was impressed with the amounts," Darcy chuckled "but when he saw the part about no bed in the mistress chambers, his jaw dropped. When he looked up at me I wasn't sure if he was going to call me out, but then he just said 'Looks like you do know what you're getting into.' He then shook my hand and told me to take care of his most cherished little girl."

"Congratulations, man. She's going to make you a very happy man. Or as happy as you can get."

"Piss off, Richard."


	14. The Colonel Helps, Epilogue

When Mrs. Bennet heard about the special stipulation in the marriage contract, she first offered her sympathies to Elizabeth for it meant she would never be able to get a break from him. She then handed her a book on birth control methods because "otherwise you'll always be with child." Once she had properly embarrassed Elizabeth, Mrs. Bennet's next duty was to discuss the strange stipulation with all her neighbors. They were all scandalized –or at least in public they were scandalize, in private a few beds were removed from the mistress chambers.

Once Elizabeth found out, she demanded Darcy move the marriage up to the soonest possible date so she could get out of town. She couldn't take the looks she was receiving from her neighbors and was quite irate he didn't ask her, or at least warn her, before he put that in such a public place. Darcy was happy to comply. They spent less than a week in Hertfordshire before beginning their married life at Pemberley.

At the urging of the Darcy's, Jane and Charles announced their engagement during the Darcy's wedding breakfast. Charles considered adding the stipulation to his marriage contract, but both his fiancé and his soon-to-be father-in-law refused to allow it. While Elizabeth would eventually laugh it off as a good joke, Jane would be embarrassed forever if anyone found out. Charles and Jane did make it a private agreement between themselves.

When Caroline Bingley found out about the engagement, she responded similarly to Lady Catherine de Bourgh. When Caroline Bingley found out about the marriage stipulation, she decided Mr. Darcy was not really the type of man she thought he was and thus turned her sights elsewhere. Eventually she found an estate holder who needed the money she brought and would leave her to her own amusements while he pursued his.

Wickham ended up working on the Mason plantation in Jamaica as a steward. He did well for a while, but eventually his old habits came back to haunt him. His death was surrounded in mystery, but there was a rumor he had compromised the plantation owner's daughter Bertha and given her his disease.**

The Darcy's had plenty of children, even trying every one of the birth control methods from the book Mrs. Bennet had gifted them. Maybe they tried them too often.

The Bingley's also were blessed with many children and a happy, easy life.

Mary ended up marrying a parson, Kitty married a very handsome and amiable, but also affluent, tradesman. Lydia married a soldier and enjoyed the life of novelty accompanying him to battle and on his different assignments.

* * *

 _**A/N Probably too vague a reference, but was trying to tie it in to Jane Eyre, which my kids had to read for school last year. Mr. Rochester's crazy wife was Bertha Mason from Spanish Town, Jamica. I've seen some assume her craziness was part heredity, but also potentially from syphilis. I'm alluding to Wickham being the one to give her the disease._

* * *

 **A/N: I've decided to make the abducted-by-aliens a stand-alone story. It doesn't really fit in with these other endings. I'm posting it as "I Know What You Are Thinking" along with the end of this story.**

 **I hope you've enjoyed both this and the "I Know What You Are Thinking", my first attempts at fiction. I know some part of the story were rushed. To be honest, I didn't have a complete story mapped out in my head when I started this. I was just putting out that first conversation.** **I'll work on making sure I do a better job on my next endeavor. I may re-work both of these stories so they can live on the FF servers in a form I can be prouder of, but I won't have time to do that for a few months. I've sacrificed quality for speed in this instance, not something I tend toward IRL.**

 **And, just in case you are wondering, I've had many conversations similar to these with my best friends/honorary sisters. I tend to be the Colonel (my friend Karen will vouch for it!), my job is to lighten the mood and not take anything too seriously - for the most part.**

 **I have really enjoyed reading all of your comments and will be responding to those I haven't already responded to starting tomorrow. Have a happy summer.**


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